Benedict

West Ham manager Sam Allardyce has moved to curb speculation that he will become the new head of the Catholic Church when his present Hammers contract expires this summer.

Pope Benedict XVI is set to become the first Pope in 600 years to leave by mutual consent citing ‘disappointing recent results’ and admitting that at 85 years of age he had ‘lost a yard of pace’. There will be no shortage of candidates for the Catholic hot seat, but, despite leading West Ham back to Premier League comfort, Sam Allardyce won’t be throwing his hat into the ring.

Odds on the Dudley native shortened considerably after an unusually theological press conference following West Ham’s 2-1 defeat to Aston Villa in which Allardyce skirted over his side’s poor recent form, preferring to stress the importance of ‘dealing with the challenges of secularism and materialism in the western world’ before likening Mark Noble to the ‘victim soul of St Gemma’.

At 58 years old, Allardyce would be young for the role, but his conservative brand of effective football is said to have impressed many in the Vatican. “Allardyce is seen by many as the kind of man who could go to 7.30am mass at the Cathedral Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul and get a result. He’s all about winning ugly and that’s what we need,” a Vatican insider told FourFourTwo.

“On his day, Ratzinger produces some beautiful, flowing homily, but all too often he’s guilty of trying to pass it in.”

This entry was posted by theboleyninheritance.

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